Back in March when I started working from home, I was so inspired by the blogging space, and felt a burning motivation for writing and posting on this little space. Working from home meant that I had much more free time and flexibility to work on my blog at the level I had always wanted. Perfect combination, right? But it wasn’t long before my motivation bubble popped, and I felt well and truly deflated, to say the least, with the online world. There has been so much going on in the world over the past few months. Big, important, and scary things, way beyond anything that me and my little blog can convey, as much as I want to acknowledge them. So I felt for my own sanity I have really had to pull back from the online world and prioritise my life IRL and learning about what is going on in the world.
It’s no secret that guilt is a reoccurring undercurrent in a lot of blogger’s lives, it’s part of the crazy pressure that comes with having any kind of online presence. I know I’ve talked about it in lots of posts over the years, but whenever I take time off from my blog (even though it’s not my job), I feel guilty. Always fighting the urge to be productive to just relax, or do whatever it is I was doing instead of blogging, which means my brain is always going at what feels like 100mph. But this time around, the extra stuff I’ve been doing has been non-negotiable. I have needed to put myself into reading and watching and learning about the Black Lives Matter movement and the true history of humanity and what on earth has gone on in this world. It’s a responsibility that has had a hella bright light shone on it recently- long may that light continue to burn- so putting my blogging and social media side to one side was just a given to get my priorities in order, and my mental wellbeing.
Speaking of mental wellbeing, this past weekend I took part with the Digital Detox and went full force and deleted the apps completely from Friday to Monday to avoid any silly auto pilot scrolling (we are all guilty). It’s crazy how bizarre it felt not clicking on the apps and checking up on the regular stories and seeing what’s trending. It took a little bit of getting used to if I’m honest, and I felt a bit weird on Saturday morning to not wake up and lie in bed scrolling through other people’s lives, which sounds a bit mental but is what I usually do first thing whenever I wake up, without batting an eyelid. However I soon embraced the change and felt that relaxation hit in my chest. For me there was definitely a lift 0n my physical anxiety, that slight pressure in my chest that I can’t normally find a reason for, had dissolved. It felt a bit like Bernard’s Watch (who else used to LOVE that show?), as if the world around me had stopped and I could finally just take a step back and breathe, having a day to myself with no one else involved. It was a bit scary to think how many years have gone by where I have checked through those apps staring into other people’s lives each and every day, and it felt so healthy to stop that even just for a weekend. I would definitely recommend giving the Digital Detox a go if you didn’t join in last weekend, I think it’s going to be a regular part of my week going forwards, in a bid to actually focus on my IRL life, rather than constantly dabbling in my life online.
I haven’t really felt the urge to put my time back into the online world in any major ways quite yet. I’ve published the odd post, but I’ve completely neglected my social channels that I would previously have panicked about doing (those damn algorithms), but I guess with everything that’s gone on lately, it’s just so clear that life is precious and far too short to spend it worrying about life online. I am more than what I put online. My worth is not defined by a number on a social media page. Likes, followers, comments, are irrelevant to my happiness and success as a woman.
There are other things going on in my life that I am super excited about, and maybe will get back into sharing content online again soon, but only if it feels exactly like how I want to spend my time. I am totally guilty in getting swept up in watching my favourite content creators online and feeling an internal pull to ‘get back on it’, but then I feel like so much of what’s out there is a giant contradiction, and I can’t quite find the spot that I want to sit in. A place that aligns with where my beliefs and morals have positioned themselves over the past few years. I am a totally different person now as a 26 year old than I was when I started this blog at 19. Do I want to promote consumerism? No. Do I love clothes and personal style? Yes. It’s hard to find the balance, but it’s something I’m continuing to work towards, and I only want to be putting content out there that feels necessary, not just for the point of being consistent and pleasing an algorithm for the potential game of numbers on a screen. I don’t want to just be taking up space, I want to be filling space with something useful, in one way or another.
Anyway I thing that’s quite enough of a ramble from me for today. How is your relationship with the online world? Is it just me that has been struggling with it lately and felt a real shift in attitudes? I read a post from Chloe at The Little Plum which resonated with me so hard, so shout out to Chloe for writing so articulately about something I couldn’t quite get into words previously.